Being married to someone who’s preoccupied with his own attributes is lonely and tiring. It is more confusing when the person you love consistently ignores your feelings, wants and needs while complaining that you never do what he or she wants.
This sometimes may make you feel under constant pressure to say and do just the right thing
Read full articlein just the right way to please her or him or to keep the peace.
This pressure can lead to depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, fear of making a mistake, and a lack of energy and enthusiasm.
This is the story of a Ghanaian woman who shared her story with Relationship Coach David Papa Bondze-Mbir, sighted by Ghanaweb.
In his latest series, dubbed #Whatmarriagemeanstome, alot have shared their experiences and hidden deep scars to the world.
Read her full story below:
#WhatMarriageMeans2Me (8)
"Hello Dave,
I've been meaning to write to you for about two years now but I haven't been courageous enough. I just came across the 'WhatMarriageMeansToMe' series, and I read one from Seidu, who would love for her kids to marry someone like her husband. Hmmmmm! I wish I could say same.
Dave, my husband of almost seven years is a Narcissist who is 500% Egoestic, Controlling, Unloving, Uncaring, Insulting, and etcetera.
He does wrong and will find a way to blame it on me. He insults, humiliate, shouts, hits me at the least provocation in the presence of our two young sons and to the hearing of our neighbours . This is a man that is a Pastor (not in any church now), very calm outside and a monster and hostile at home. He is nice to our kids (5 & 3 years) just about 50% of the time. Me, he is only nice to me 30% of the time.
I agreed to marry mainly because "he is a Christian", I told family and friends. My mum didn't like him and warned me about his controlling behaviour but I kept saying "he is a Christian and that's all that matters". If I tell you how he left the church he was pastoring three years ago people will know it's my story and I dread that. He left the church when I gathered enough courage to report his abuse to his senior pastor after several abuses.
I have gone through so much pain, disrespect, humiliation, bartery from his hands that I cringe and my soul weeps anytime he has sex with me. I can't even bring myself to kissing or hugging him. No romance whatsoever. Sometimes I crave for a hug and to have a sigh of relief from/on a man’s chest. We don't have that intimacy.
I used to write him handwritten letters and text messages about how his abuses and maltreatment is affecting me. He would read and insults will flow blaming me for his misbehaviour. I once pleaded with him to let us go see a Counselor and he told me I am mad and that I am the one who needs a Counselor.
I have prayed, I have cried, I have had suicidal thoughts on several occasions. I have tried everything to avoid divorce. I cry inside and come out pretending all is well. I am an introvert and so scared to talk to someone about my problems. But funny enough friends and some family members think I give them great marriage advise, they call me 'Counselor'.
Just last Sunday morning I was dragged on the floor (from the top of the bed in the other bedroom where I went hiding to avoid hearing his insults and yelling), hit on the face twice, neck held against the door right in the presence of my little kids, that I should leave the house, all because I refused him sex due to the fact that he started by touching me roughly. Hours later he overheard me telling the kids that we will move out and go stay somewhere else. He also overheard me talking to my sister over the phone crying and telling my sister (which is unlike me) about what had happened earlier that day.
He then called my sister early Monday morning that he is sorry and she should tell me not to leave, and that I should stay because of the kids. My sister who initially said I should move out with the kids now says I should forgive him because he has apologized.
Yes, he always apologizes afterwards. He once called his mum in to apologize on his behalf after an assault. All his mum could say to me was not to leave because of the kids, and that she suffered worse things but didn't leave because of her kids. To add to it, I have been out of employment for about two years now though doing what I am passionate about.
My sister thinks he is treating me badly because I'm jobless and don't have money of my own. But he was abusive even when I was working and he wasn't. Even when I was contributing about 80% of what we needed in the home, buying him boxers, singles, to providing food and cash for him which he wouldn't even thank me for. No, his ego WON'T allow that. He now calls me lazy and that I should go find a job. Me that I've worked and put money in his hands several times oo. Hmmmm is all that I'm able to say.
The saddest part is that he is also NOT ABLE to take care of his responsibilities as the man of the house as he always emphasizes. He is unable to pay the kids' fees without me finding money to support. He has never bought me a dress or even a handbag before. His best was when he gave me GHs 50 (at most thrice throughout our married time) for my hair after I mentioned in an argument that he doesn't even take care of me. It's only one time he has bought a few shirts and one shorts each for both kids. It has always been me buying clothes for the kids and him, many times forgoing my personal needs.
But money issues has never been my problem eventhough he doesn't have much. I don't bother him with financial matters. I strive to work hard when I can. He is so controlling to the extent that I cannot even attend church where or when he doesn't approve. He is IT inclined and hacks my social media and email accounts when I decide to ignore him and his troubles and he thinks I'm chatting with someone/people. He did that once prior to marriage. He picks numbers of my male friends or colleagues to warn them if they chat with me often.
He doesn't want me to have friends, male or female. Again, I saw this prior to marriage. For almost seven years of marriage, it's only one church friend who has EVER visited our home. No friend knows my house. Family members visit once in a long while upon his approval and yet he is not nice to them, frowning and always indoors.
I'm tired of typing...
As I'm typing it's 3 AM and I haven't slept. I have hardly slept since Sunday. My head is severely aching and feels heavy with bodily pains from Sunday's assault. I am more depressed than ever. Eventhough this is not the first abuse, verbal and physical nor the first time I've said I'm leaving him, now more than ever I am scared he might kill me one day. We live alone and our gate is always locked, no neighbour even tries to come to my rescue during any of the abuses.
My older son once told me "Daddy says he wants a pen, give me one fast. I don't want him to come and shout at you."
Now more than ever, I am scared for my life and my children. BUT I am also too scared to raise my sons without their father. I am also scared for them to pick his traits as a verbal and physical abusive man. I don't know how I can raise two kids on my own (not financially though). I am scared to be a divorcee.
I am also scared I might get serious depression which may lead to mental disorder or something of that sort because I am unable to see or find a way out, neither am I able to talk to someone nor seek for help. I'm constantly having headaches.
I saw the red flags but I thought he was a 'Christian' unlike his 'unchristian' father who was verbally abusing his mother (which I witnessed twice and saw his mother in tears) prior to our marriage, but told myself "I am glad his son is a committed Christian and wouldn't behave like him." HOW TERRIBLY WRONG I WAS!
I'm dying slowly now, funny enough none of my friends and people I know will believe this is what I'm going through. My idea of marriage is that it can be beautiful even with challenges if there is mutual love and respect. I was the good girl who wouldn't be friends with guys who club, party, smoke or drink. I am from a very humble background. Though I was working with a firm where I met rich, handsome and influential men on daily basis, I either strictly 'customer-zoned' or 'friendzoned' many of them rather than agree to their advances.
I wanted the church going Christian guy who bought me preaching books and CDs on Valentine's Day and not the chocolates, cash and other gifts. But here I am!
I don't know what to do. I am dying slowly at age 35 and two kids because I'm too scared of divorce.
Please DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS." - FEA
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