Akua Donkoh’s speech leaked at Koko joint

If I were to narrate the event of this week without touching on the Montie 3 judgment, it would be like listening to Kwaku Sakyi Addo speaking without him clearing his throat. I remember I was in a Trotro going to Kasoa when the news of the Supreme Court’s judgment broke.

That very moment, I recalled my mother the Koko seller’ last week’s response to the Montie 3 case. If I may repeat, Mama said: “if you can open your mouth as wide as Jerusalem gate to swallow a whole coconut, then you should prepare your anus to let it out.”

As a follow up to know Mama’s reaction on the Judgment, I was at her Koko joint at Kasoa this Thursday, and quickly, I overheard Mama saying to one of her customers, “me, that is why I have warned my son Ziem, if he does not know and do that content …or contep..or whatever is called, I will look at him like haaaaaa and they will take him away for not just three months but all the four months.

Where will I get that GH?10,000?” Listening to Mama further, I realized she was furious with Ghanaians who at one moment shouted to the Supreme Court judges Crucify them! Crucify them!! Crucify them!!! Now these same people are crying: why crucify them? Mama thinks that our Aki and Pawpaw NDC and NPP parties have not helped either.

Out of anger, Mama expressed how she wished these two parties would be kicked out of the system and that even if Akua Donkor wins the coming elections, she will be happy. This was the point I refused to swallow the kose in my mouth as I began to imagine that Akua Donkor had won the 2016 elections and wass giving her acceptance speech.

Before I could say jack, Akua Donkor’s speech had been leaked at Mama’s koko joint still with the kose in my mouth begging to be swallowed.

My fellow party mates of Ghana Freedom Party (GFP) and all Ghanaians listening to me. If you have never believed in dreams come true and surprises, then this is the time to begin to do so. I know many of you are still surprised and are asking yourselves how the hell did this old witch manage to win the 2016 elections?

Wow! It is only in Ghana that when women grow old, they are labeled as witches and menopause people. Let me tell you one truth, three months before the elections, I also asked myself the following questions: how the hell did my fellow comedian Donald Trump become the candidate of the Republican Party in America? How the hell did the Black Queens of Ghana lose to Germany by 11 goals to nothing?

How the hell did our politicians take Bullet Proof Cars, Ford Expedition, $2m/$5m all in the name of Gifts? How the hell did our Parliament become soooooooo crazily partisan in even a national issue like choosing an election date?

How did the hell our TV stations get flooded with, and promoting other cultures in the name of Telenovela series and still expecting Ghanaians to pay TV License? How shouldn't the Hell, I Akua Donkor become the President of the Republic of Ghana?

When I could not find answers to these questions, I knew everything is possible in GH, including me, a cocoa illiterate farmer becoming a President. I knew then if this dream came to pass, Ghanaians will do to me what they are known best; Talk! Talk!! Talk!!! So I have also prepared for them.

Today, Ghana has made history by joining the rest of the civilized world who have entrusted their faith in a woman. Our case is very unique because, for the very first time, we have a President who cannot speak and write English, the official language of Ghana. I know most of my detractors are saying eeeeeeewww!!!

How can an illiterate manage our things? Hahaha! Do Ghanaians want someone who can speak and write impeccable br?fo again? Did our past Presidents speak Greek or Swahili? No! They went to World Class universities and spoke br?fo better than the Queen herself. Now my people, tell me, where was the br?fo when Dumsor was still laughing at us? Where was br?fo when unemployment made useless our graduate certificates?

Where was br?fo when our farmers still use the hoe and cutlass and rely on the polluted weather for rains to feed their crops? Since our independence, our Presidents have spoken big br?fo and bigger br?fo and the biggest br?fo and we cannot even compete with a genocide country like Rwanda. Now your illiterate President has come and your lives will never be the same.

To my detractors who are saying “Akua Donkor is a wrong choice, if it will be a woman why not Jerry Boom’s wife Nana Agyeman-Rawlings Konadu , or, Samia Yaba Nkrumah?” My question to you is simple: where were you when these people stood for elections? What did you do when the so-called honorable men in our society openly insulted the brain power of women making it sound as if a woman can get to the top only when she let her panties and bra fall? Ghanaians paaaa!!! At this my age if I let my bra fall, you can imagine what would happen to my viewers?

You all are part of the reason why many great women’s political careers have ended. Now you have me, you deserve me, and I am your President today, tomorrow, and the next four years to come. Did I hear people say I am cheap because I won the 2016 elections without a message or a Manifesto? Apuuu!! Which of the political parties had a message? Nooo, abaa ba s33…. ?manpanyin Mahama tu wa so…or..

One District one Policy…? Were these messages? In my previous campaigns, I promised and promised and promised until Afari Gyan and his people disqualified me from the race. This time around, my strong research team which was better than Franklin Cudjoe’s IMANI Ghana and Ben Ephson’ Headquarters taught me that Ghanaians did not like Manifestos because they easily forget about them.

Ghanaians like Magic and Miracles. I am their magic and the same time their miracle.

Away from detractors, I would like to express my thanks to the following people: First is Ex-President John Mahama and his government who spent the tax payers’ money on me by giving me formal invitations to represent Ghana in international forums.

Although I was like Alice in Wonderland and knew next to nothing about what went on at such programs, at least the outside weather made my skin fresher than Bukom flesh. Former President Mahama, I believe you could have won the elections but COMPLACENCY KILLED YOU.

Next on my list is Nana Akufo- Addo. Thanks for fighting a good third world war. But I thought Bishop Owusu Bempah said God had put the title on your head…??? Maybe ooo, if your Book-long people and the so-called honorable men around you had campaigned a bit more on the ground and stopped attacking the EC and women in Ghana, that prophecy would have come to pass. I wish I can make you taste the Presidency small p3 but……sorry....is not allowed.

I think I can let Arthur Kennedy continue with the ‘Chasing the Elephant to the Bush’ Story. To my Nkrumahists in different colors, thanks for making up the numbers. The hard truth to you is that Nkrumah did not die in far away Bucharest, Romania, you people killed Nkrumah.

To all those whose votes became mine, thanks a lot. And to my detractors, it is because of doubting Thomas’s like you that the Supreme Court was established. But in between time, I Akua Donkor, I am still your President-elect for 2016. God bless you all and God bless Ghana.

Wow! Akua Donkor the President of Ghana? That would not be bad at all. Well, thanks for reading and loving my Mama the Koko seller. Thank God is Friday.

Writer's e-mail: [email protected]