Are Some Women Letting Good Men Get Away Due To Superficiality?

We often hear women utter the phrase: “He must be tall, dark and handsome”. And the question is: What if he is not any of those things but possesses a good heart? Does his good or kind nature not count for something? Of course, it does! Kindheartedness in a man is a highly desired quality. But how would a woman know that a man is genuinely kindhearted, if she is not willing to overlook what she might deem as flaws on the surface?

Not too long ago, Daniel K. Pryce wrote an article about some women who fell for the charms of a smooth-talking Frenchman. The Frenchman subsequently infected each one of the women with HIV deliberately. One of our gentleman commentators in this forum remarked that it is ironic that the smooth-talking Frenchman was able to bed all those women – but genuinely good guys might not have had a chance with such ladies. I pondered over the gentleman’s words and agreed with him to some degree; but I also wanted to gauge others’ thoughts on the matter, hence this article.

I must admit, albeit shamefully, that in my early 20s, I was an extremely vain individual. For instance, I would not entertain the notion of going out with a guy unless he spoke a certain way – with a certain accent, or some other superficial reason of that nature. As I got older, the silliness of it all became apparent to me – so I rid myself of it. Boy, have I come a long way since those days! Some have claimed that it is because I “settled” as I got older, but others and I are of the view that I simply matured. But enough about me!

The question I wish to ask today is: Are some women letting genuinely good men slip through their fingers due to the former’s superficial expectations of men? They say our character is what we do when we think that no one is looking! So when I say good men, I do not mean those self-proclaimed “nice guys” who adorn the façade of nobility, preach virtue in public, and then practice vice when they think that no one is looking. By good men, I am referring to those who are genuinely decent! They never compromise their principles, and no matter what situation these men may find themselves in, they never stray from their core decency or kind nature. In other words, they are always true to themselves!

When it comes to the art of wooing women, some men are extremely savvy! Said men tend to be overly charming; they always know what to say. Sadly, some other men are not as finessed, so they often do not make a good impression on women – specifically women who may be superficial. But if a lady can overlook a not-so-savvy guy's lack of sophistication and get to know the man underneath, might she not find a genuinely good man?

While a lady adores being swept off her feet by a “Mr. Debonair,” at a point, the novelty fades. Romance yields to reality, and the woman then desires more than stylish antics and flattering words. Usually, this is when it dawns on the lady that “Mr. Debonair” is all style and no substance. Disappointment then sets in! If only she had not been so vain, and had given “Mr. Awkward” a chance, might she not be better off?

Take, for example, my genuinely kindhearted friend, Kessie. He is one of those rare Ghanaian guys who have great cooking skills – and Kessie actually enjoys cooking. Kessie is also a bit of a “neat freak,” so he is always cleaning – vacuuming, washing dishes, etc. In addition to the aforesaid attributes, he is also very easy on the eyes. According to Kessie, for as long as he can recall, he has always wished to be married. He loves the idea of a man living with his woman, pampering her and calling her his missus. And then there is my friend Rose. For as long as I have known Rose (since my early 20s), she’s been consumed by the concept of becoming a wife someday. She is in love with the notion of her would-be beloved and her being referred to as “Mr. and Mrs.” Surely, Kessie and Rose would be a match made in heaven, right?

A few years ago, Kessie came out of a horrendous relationship. The girl he was then involved with had abused and trampled on his kindness, in every sense of the word. After Kessie had “recuperated” and was ready to mingle again, I immediately thought of Rose, so I called her: “Rose, remember my friend Kessie, the one I told you is the epitome of a good man, but that his girlfriend was mistreating him?” “Yeah, I remember, what about him?” responded Rose. “What I haven’t told you is that Kessie and his girlfriend broke up months ago, and he is now ready to move on.” “Really, so he’s looking?” Rose asked enthusiastically. “Yes!” I exclaimed.

Rose initially showed a genuine interest in Kessie, but within weeks, she apparently began to distance herself from him. They would make plans to go out, but then Rose would cancel at the last minute. She also started to ignore Kessie’s phone calls. And on those occasions that Rose did pick up his calls, she kept the conversation short. When I would ask Rose how things were going with Kessie, her response was usually: “All right, I guess.” Her lackluster answers gave me the impression that she was losing interest in Kessie. So when Kessie expressed to me that Rose seemed disinterested, I was not surprised – but I assured him that I would talk to Rose and find out the reason for the sudden change in her behavior.

One afternoon, Rose and I met for lunch at her place, and this is what ensued: “So, Kessie tells me you’re not interested in him anymore,” I asked cautiously. “Well, I don’t think he and I will work out,” Rose retorted. “Rose, I know Kessie; he can be a bit shy at times but he’s a really good guy. He’s hard working, smart and funny – he has his mother’s good heart and his father’s gentility. And as I always tell you, he loves to pamper women and he wants to get married in the future, just as much as you do,” I remarked. With pursed lips, Rose stared at me and said nothing; it then dawned on me why she had lost interest in Kessie.

You see, Rose and I had the same superficial “illness” in our early 20s. And though she claimed to have grown out of it as I had, it became apparent to me that, in actuality, she had not. “Let me guess, you don’t like him because his words are not Americanized and he doesn’t have a college degree,” I said. Rose did not respond, which only confirmed my suspicions. “Rose, you need to get over this issue with accents – I thought you said you had grown out of it. I know that Kessie didn’t complete his undergraduate degree while in Ghana, but if it’s a college degree you want, he plans to return to school,” I coaxed. “That’s nice, but he just doesn’t do it for me,” Rose responded.

Over the course of my visit, Rose further made her points clear to me that she had no intention of dating Kessie. And she even implied that I wanted her to “settle,” an insinuation that I resented. There was nothing I could do about her lack of interest in Kessie, and I certainly could not tell my kindhearted friend the real reasons Rose had lost interest in him. So I told Kessie that Rose was still in love with her ex-beau, and, as such, could not be with anyone else at the moment. Kessie accepted the explanation and left Rose alone.

Precisely a year and a half later, I would attend my friend Kessie’s traditional marriage ceremony – he had earlier met, and was getting married to, a young lady named Felicia. A week prior to the event, knowing perfectly well that Rose would say no, I intentionally asked her to attend the function with me, and, as expected, she declined. “You know, this could have been your wedding, the wedding you’ve always wanted,” I said. “Yeah, if I wanted to SETTLE!” Rose snapped. I probably should not have said that to Rose, but I was hoping that the incident with Kessie would help her change some of her superficial ways.

Sometime later, Kessie's and Felicia’s first child was born, and I paid them a visit. When I got to their place, Felicia was resting, and Kessie was multitasking – he was taking care of the newborn, cooking and performing minor chores. It was a beautiful sight to behold! Meanwhile, my friend Rose was dating – more aptly, chasing! – a “slick-talking” young man who seemed somehow unattainable. “Mr. Slick Talker” had it all, at least, in Rose’s view: the accent she cherished, the multiple college degrees and the corporate job. But what Rose failed to grasp was that, due to the man’s accomplishments and his way with words, she was not the only (superficial) woman enchanted by him and clinging to him. “Mr. Slick Talker” knew he was much desired by Rose and her ilk, and, boy, did he have a field day!

I am not implying that a man cannot be debonair and genuinely decent – the two are not mutually exclusive. And neither am I advocating for women to “settle” for less than what they truly desire. What I am, however, saying is that men who may not be finessed in whispering those “sweet nothings” should not be brushed aside so quickly. That awkward or shy guy should also be given a second glance – for he just might be a gem, ladies!

So, to the young ladies who are in your early 20s, are you giving those shy or awkward guys a second look, or are you thumping your noses right at them? And to the ladies who are in your late 20s and older, respectively, when you reflect on your life, do you regret not giving a certain “Mr. Awkward” a chance? Have you found out, albeit belatedly, that he is a genuinely good man with whom you could have built a life? Of course, we would also like to read the views of genuinely nice, yet shy, guys who felt they were quickly brushed aside, or overlooked for a “Mr. Debonair.”

Lola, Washington DC