Chris Attoh and the entitlement mentality of African men

I stumbled on a news story where Mr. Chris Attoh who recently announced his separation or divorce from his wife made some statements concerning his failed marriage.

As a person who has studied the subject of relationship success, and how to build a happy and long-lasting marriage, I feel compelled to reply. Before I continue to ramble, in case you haven’t read the statement accredited to him. Here is it:

“A woman who does not submit to the husband and trust his instinct is not going to be successful in marriage. I think that we have forgotten the fundamentals of marriage. When you love someone, it’s important to be able to forgive, respect and submit. As a woman, you need to trust the captain of the ship. It’s truly important if you want peace in your home.”

“If you are a Christian, it is your bible that will take you through your wedding days. Everything happens for a reason. I have a beautiful baby boy, a wealth of experience and a lot of work to do.”

Before we ask a woman to submit. We must ask for the origin of that suggestion. Obviously, it’s from the bible and he has rightly hinted that when he said: “If you are a Christian…” When the woman was asked to submit in that verse of scripture, we conveniently forget to recall that the man was asked to love and die for her. Yes, that’s the complete Bible.

I am not privy to the hidden secrets of their marriage but Mr. Chris’s statement may reek of entitlement mentality. A prevailing philosophy by many men in my generation. “When a woman is submissive to a man, that marriage will be successful”.

This is a fallacy that needs to stop. It is not the 9 – 5 job of a woman to make her marriage work while the man treats it like a side hustle. The success of ANY marriage is a full-time job for both the man and the woman. It takes a man that is ready to die for her and a woman that is ready to submit to such a die-hard man.

When you make mistakes as a man and your woman is finding it hard to forgive you. It’s not because she forgot the need to be submissive. It’s because, just like you made a mistake, she hasn’t learned to master her emotions and let go of the hurt you caused her. She probably wouldn’t be in that shape had it not been your mistake. This goes both ways.

I have constantly poised in my teachings that anybody can be married but not anyone can build a Happy and Longlasting marriage. With all due respect sir, this is basically what that ‘submit’ verse was talking about – ‘If you are not ready to die for her, you are not eligible for a marriage that is Happy and Longlasting.’

I have never met Miss Damilola Adegbite and I am certain that she has her flaws just like you. She may even be the one with ‘bigger troubles’. However, if I will respond in the same manner you made that statement, here is what I would say, “when a woman believes a man can literally die for her, she would hold on to him forever. Submission will never be a problem”

A great mind said, “When people feel loved, it is easier for them to listen.” and I couldn’t agree more.

To every man out there who is shying away from taking responsibility for the success or failure of their relationship or marriage, you need to answer these questions:

Have you loved her enough?

Does she feel like she’s the most important person to you?

Have you lived in such a way that she can vouch for you?

Have you been 100% committed to her and her success?

Do you often ask her to make more sacrifices than you have shown willingness to make?

Can you die for her?

Until all your answers to these questions are in the affirmative, you have no right to demand submission. If she gives you, great, she’s a developed woman and if she doesn’t, understand that she’s just in the same phase you are in – ignorant!