Does She Need A Man To Be Complete?

We have all heard the numerous stories of "boy meeting girl." But, as is customary in fairy tales, a spell is cast on the princess; she is then put in a comatose state or stricken with a physical deformity. And nothing can reverse her misfortune except the kiss of her true love, her Prince Charming. The prince embarks on a treacherous journey to find his princess, and when he finds her, he plants a kiss on the princess, and voila! The curse is rendered null and void, and she lives happily ever after! But why must it only be a prince who can reverse her misfortune and give her everlasting happiness? What is the message in these fairy tales? That a woman is forever doomed, and cannot have eternal happiness, if her Prince Charming never arrives?

Back in the day, my father, a lover of Highlife music, would not let us have peace in the house on Sundays. He would play his favorites from mid-afternoon until sundown. My other siblings would choose to either go to their friends' houses or to the playground, but I often stayed home and listened with him. I enjoyed most of the songs, but Ben Brako’s "Wo animonyan wo hene" always made me uneasy. Though I loved the beat and the man’s voice, I did not quite care for the lyrics. One Sunday, I finally asked my father: "What point is this man, Ben Brako, trying to make? Is he saying that a woman who never marries does not have animonyam?" My father took a sip of his drink and answered: "No, that is not exactly what Ben Brako is saying." Dad gave me a synopsis of the song ? it is more or less about the "disgrace" of being an unwed teenage mother. With that explanation, I was satisfied; but then, to my chagrin, my father veered into a sermon about my initial understanding of the song and claimed that "Obaa a onni kunu, enni animonyam!" that is to say, "a woman without a husband is a woman without worth/grace, or is considered a pariah!"

I then thought to myself, what about a woman's education? Does that or should that not count for something? After all, is my father not always preaching about the importance of education? Does he not claim he brought us to the United States for the purpose of a good education? "But I thought you said education is everything? Shouldn’t a woman’s academic achievements be her animonyam?" I blurted out. "Yes, education is important, but "s3 obaa ko school s3 d3n, na s3 wo anware a, onni animonyan," to wit, "no matter how many Degrees a woman may obtain, she is not highly regarded if she does not get married," Dad responded. I then asked: "So, if I become a Lawyer or a Doctor in the future, I won’t have animonyam unless I get married?" He answered in the affirmative. I sat there, confused as ever, then asked my final question: "Does that mean Auntie Agyemang doesn’t have animonyam?" "Precisely!" he answered.

Auntie Agyemang, my mother’s first cousin, is currently about 70 years old. She is a highly educated woman who neither married nor had children. She studied in the medical field and attended a school abroad (in England) for some years. In the span of her career, she rose to very high ranks at a popular hospital in Ghana. She also acquired some prime real estate for herself. She had achieved all of these things through hard work and education. So, how can such a woman not be highly regarded? How is she a pariah? Auntie Agyemang has always been a source of inspiration to me, so to hear my father refer to her as practically a "social outcast," due to her lack of involvement with the opposite sex, was quite disheartening.

Which brings me to my question: Does a man’s presence in a woman’s life validate her existence in any way? Are a woman's academic and career goals achieved in vain if she does not get married or have intimate relations with a man? Maame Saa, my yet-to-marry 38-year-old cousin, lives in Florida. Although she is a well-accomplished young woman, her inability to "nab a hubby" has become something of an Achilles heels for her. Every time one of her friends or younger cousins announces wedding plans, Maame Saa literally suffers an emotional breakdown. I often wonder why she does not focus on, or be thankful for, her personal achievements, instead of dwelling on the fact that she is not married. Could it be, perhaps, that she feels she is lacking "animonyam?" Maame Saa has become so sensitive about the issue of marriage to the point where she attributes any slight towards her (real or imagined) to the fact that she is 38 years old and single!

Case in point: A few months ago, Maame Saa called me to share an "injustice" she had suffered at the hands of a butcher. She went grocery shopping at an African store, and while she was waiting for the meat cutter to finish with another customer’s order, a man and a woman, presumably a couple, also came to the butcher’s counter. After the meat cutter was done with the previous customer, instead of asking Maame Saa for her order, he erroneously asked the other woman, who is presumably a wife, for her order. Maame Saa asserted herself and told the butcher that she was there before the couple. The butcher then apologized and said he did not realize Maame Saa came there first. With this bit of information, I told Maame Saa that the incident was clearly an innocent mistake. But Maame Saa claimed that the butcher purposefully took the other woman’s order first, simply because this other woman was with a man. I then told her that she was talking illogically and was being overly sensitive (yet again), but she was adamant in her stance that the butcher ignored her because she was not with a man. Maame Saa, in her fit of rage, swore she would NEVER shop at that store again! I wanted to remind her that there weren’t any other African shops within a 50-mile radius of her home, which meant that she did not really have a choice, but Maame Saa was already too injured and angry, so I said nothing further!

Not too long ago we had a family gathering. My 23-year-old cousin, Afriyie, confided in me that she hopes what has befallen Maame Saa does not become her fate as well: "God, I hope I don’t end up like Maame Saa, old and alone." I told Afriyie that Maame Saa is an educated and well-accomplished young woman, and that she, Afriyie, would be lucky to end up like her. Afriyie retorted: “No, I wouldn‘t. She’s got it all but she is NOT MARRIED, and I don’t want to end up like her!” With that said, she stomped off. I stood there and wondered who was leading Afriyie to believe that there is something wrong with being an unmarried woman ? her parents (as was my case) or society? Why is it that when a man is old and single, he is referred to as a bachelor ? oftentimes with the subtle implication that no woman could tame him, or no woman was good enough for him? But if a woman is also old and unmarried, she is often referred to as a hag, a spinster, a shrew, a pariah or some other unflattering term. An old, unmarried woman is also often perceived as having some sort of a defect and that no man wants her. Who created these rules? And why do women like Maame Saa allow such rules to dictate their happiness, and, by extension, their lives?

Yours truly was with a man for about 7 years, but, for reasons I do not wish to delve into, Prempeh and I had to part ways. In the ensuing years, I spent a lot of time alone, for I felt I was not ready to move on. It is well known that I am somewhat of a feminist, but whenever anyone brought up the fact that I was alone and that I should "get a man," I reminded them that I had a man for nearly a decade. But why was I quick to remind people of my years with Prempeh? Why didn’t I simply say: "I am alone, so what?" Why did I feel the need to explain my situation? Being a feminist, I no longer believed in my father’s theories about what constitutes a woman’s "animonyam," but could it be that his words had seeped into my subconscious? And thus, subconsciously, I felt validated when Prempeh was in my life? Those were the questions I asked myself, and after a much-needed soul-searching, I began to address the "alone" question/issue differently.

There is a lot of pressure on Ghanaian women to get married. Some ladies have found their "soul mates" and are genuinely happily married or involved. But, as a result of the immense pressure, others have had to rush and/or "settle." For instance, I know a young lady in Delaware who met a guy in the summer of 2006; by fall of the same year, the then-34-year-old lady and the guy were married. She preferred to have moved into her husband’s home ? as tradition demands ? but since the guy did not have a place of his own, he had to move into her house instead. Sadly, the marriage only lasted 18 months.

Due to the aforementioned pressure, some ladies have had to settle for less than what they desired, and, as a result, ended up with men for whom they had very little respect. I know of many females who say extremely disparaging things to, and about, their men. I often ask myself: "How can they say such things about their husbands?" I think forumers will agree that there is a vast difference between venting to your friends about something your man has done, and calling your friends to denigrate him.

In my view, if you can call your friends and EASILY label your man as "useless," "gyimifuo no," "aboa no" and other demeaning terms, then you need to conduct a serious self-analysis. If the men are useless and terrible as the ladies claim, why then do they continue to stay with these men? Is it that these ladies feel that being with a man gives them "animonyam," even if the man is someone that they loathe and/or have very little respect for? Or do these women feel that the mere presence of a man in their lives legitimizes them or gives them grace?

Ladies, my question is this: Does the presence of a man in a woman’s life validate her? Have you felt you were legitimized as a woman due to your involvement with a man? If so, did you feel any less of a woman when Prince Charming was no longer part of your life? I’d also like to hear from my educated Black Kings whether they feel that their presence in their women's lives validates these women. Would you, Black Kings, consider yourselves as your ladies' "animonyam?"

*Names and some locations have been changed to protect identities of loved ones.

Lola, Washington, DC