Domestic Violence Is Not Love – The Vicious Cycle Must End!

One cannot deny that the following numbers are frightening! According to statistics, 85-95% of all domestic violence victims are females. Each year, 5.3 million women are abused by an intimate partner, and 1,232 are killed as a result of such abuses. Domestic violence is also the leading cause of injury to women – and women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know, rather than by a stranger (source: American Institute on Domestic Violence). Although the preceding numbers are in the United States of America alone, I am confident forumers are well aware that domestic violence transcends continents.

The exact prevalence of domestic violence in most African countries cannot be gauged. Domestic violence cases are under reported; as such, it is difficult to collect reliable data. However, we have been able to find some statistical data on the problem in Ghana. According to the Gender Studies and Human Rights Documentation Center (an NGO based in Accra), a national study conducted some years ago in our beloved country revealed that one in three women experienced physical abuse by an intimate partner – a husband, fiancé or boyfriend. Being that most African countries share similar customs and/or attitudes, it is conceivable that women in other African countries are being abused at the same alarming rate as their Ghanaian counterparts.

The question I have is this: What is it that leads a man to become physically abusive towards a woman he claims to love? Where is the love when a man raises his fist to hit his woman? Oftentimes, sadly, some of these assaults occur in the presence of children. Studies show that boys who see their fathers beat their mothers are ten times more likely to become abusive in their adult intimate relationships. And statistics also indicate that girls who witness their mothers get battered are at a higher risk of gravitating towards abusive men. In other words, the long-term effects of domestic violence are not limited to the individuals who are being pummeled. With this kind of information available to the general public, why then do some men continue to physically abuse their women?

Personally, I have never experienced physical abuse from any man, and neither have any of my close friends. Three years ago, I became friends with a girl called Nana Akua; prior to our friendship, she was friends with a young lady named Abrafi. I will recount for you a story Nana Akua mentioned to me about her former friend. According to her, when Abrafi was not dating a man, she was full of life and a joy to spend time with. But as soon as she became involved with a man, everything would change! It was painful for her to watch a vibrant and perfectly healthy young woman disintegrate into a depressed and withdrawn young lady with no zest for life. In the 5 years that they were friends, Abrafi dated 2 different men. What Nana Akua thought was most peculiar was that each man abused Abrafi, and Nana Akua often wondered what attracted such men to her friend.

Another aspect Nana Akua found perplexing and at the same time vexing was that, as many times as those men assaulted her, Abrafi never contacted law enforcement to file a report against her tormentors. Instead, she would stay away from each abuser for a few weeks and then return to him. When Nana Akua would raise an eyebrow about it, Abrafi would defend the guy and make excuses for him. “Is this not what the professionals refer to as Stockholm syndrome?” Nana Akua once asked herself. For all those years that they were friends, she recommended Abrafi should seek the services of a professional therapist, but her words fell on deaf ears. Nana Akua often felt compelled to ask Abrafi if, as a little girl, she witnessed her father physically abuse her mother. But she could never muster the courage to ask such a personal question pertaining to Abrafi’s family. That is, until one cold night in January 2006, when Abrafi drove to her friend’s apartment with tears streaming down her round cheeks.

Abrafi sat on her confidant’s sofa and began to narrate her ordeal – as she had often done for as long as they had known each other. Nana Akua angrily interrupted her and asked: “Aren’t you tired of this vicious cycle, Abrafi? This man hits you, you stay away from him for while, he then claims it’ll never happen again; you go back to him, and he hits you, yet, again! How long are you going to tolerate this crap from that fool? Can’t you see he doesn’t love you? To be perfectly honest with you, I’m tired of hearing about your sad stories. We’ve been friends for five years now, I have never seen you in a healthy relationship and you refuse to seek help. Have you ever asked yourself why you gravitate towards these abusive men? Did you witness your father abuse your mother or….” Nana Akua was stopped in her tracks by Abrafi’s stare at the mention of her parents.

While Nana Akua was on her tirade, Abrafi sat quietly and looked down. But the moment she was asked about her parents, Abrafi gazed at her friend in a way that spoke volumes of the abuse she had witnessed her mother endure at the hands of her father. As they fixated their eyes on each another, Nana Akua was overcome with guilt. But before she could finish apologizing for her outburst, Abrafi was already turning the knob on the front door. Nana Akua chased after her friend and pleaded with her to come back, so they could talk things over, but Abrafi was too furious! She drove off as Nana Akua stood in the winter cold, wishing she had simply listened and consoled Abrafi, as she usually did. That was the night their friendship ended, as Abrafi refused to take her phone calls, or have anything to do with her thereafter. Nana Akua has often wondered if Abrafi ever sought professional help.

Some time ago, a male friend and I were having a casual conversation about domestic violence – he is a man who is very empathetic to battered women, as he finds the habit of assaulting a woman unbecoming of a gentleman. In our discussions, he confided in me that, back when he was in secondary school in Ghana, some of his dormitory mates often fantasized about abusing their female counterparts, i.e. hitting them, forcibly having sex with them and engaging in other acts that, in his view, were abnormal. He says with age, some of the boys grew out of such imaginings, but others carried them into adulthood and became abusive men. As I sat and listened to him, I wondered to myself what led those boys to conjure up such morbid imageries!

From what I understand, some men are under the misconception that women like to be physically abused. And my question to those men is this: What gives you the impression that a woman desires to be your punching bag? We are all aware that the impulse to strike a woman is not intrinsic, but rather a learned behavior. So, did you become abusive after years of watching a certain member of your family batter women? Have you ever sought help – via a health care professional or a spiritual counselor for your problem? If so what was the outcome? If you have not, and you do not intend to ever seek help, then are you even aware that you have a problem? In other words, do you see your behavior as “normal”?

To the ladies who have been able to escape from abusive relationships, will you please join us in this discussion? So that we may learn from you as to how you mustered the courage to abandon that destructive union. And to any woman in an abusive relationship, what is it that keeps you going back to your tormentor? Have you misconstrued abuse as love? Abusers tend to have the same pattern – they pummel their women, then feign remorse and claim it will never happen again. They are then sweet and overly attentive to their victims for a while (is this ACT what you have misinterpreted as love?), then they resort to the beatings yet again. Are you, young ladies, who have been turned into punching bags, simply not tired of this vicious cycle?

I am not in any way blaming you for your plight; for a victim can never, and should never, be held responsible for crimes committed against her. I am, however, pleading with you to seek help while it is still available to you! Because, once you are FINALLY dealt the “coup de grâce,” we won’t be able to do anything to help you; but to dress you up, put you in a box and lower you six feet under. And as you lie lifeless and alone in that box, the man who snuffed out your life will be alive and breathing – (possibly) lying next to his next victim for warmth. My words may be grim and insensitive, but that is the reality of the situation you find yourself in. How many times have we not heard that a woman has perished at the hands of a man who claimed to love her? More times than we can count! So, I again implore you to seek help, for the vicious cycle must end with your life intact!

P.S. If you are in Ghana and you are not sure whom to turn to for help, please contact or go to the nearest Domestic Violence And Victim Support Unit (DOVVSU).

Lola, Washington, DC