Honor and respect in our courtships, marriages, and relationships

By Samuel Kisseadoo

Apart from the love which is the primary ingredient for the success of any good relationship, honor and respect rank among the most important attributes than all humans crave for in every kind of relationship.

Men, in particular, have the innate instinct of regarding honor and respect as their greatest need, in addition to sexual satisfaction in marriage.

When a man’s respect is broken or trodden down by a woman, then his strength as a man becomes broken as well. When the mother shows respect to Daddy (her husband), it encourages the children to show respect to their father and mother as well. The same thing works the other way round. If the father does not respect his wife, the children tend to disrespect their mother as well.

If a man is disrespected and dishonored by his wife or fiancee, he becomes discouraged and deflated, and no more feels like a man with leadership power and authority or someone with provision abilities and headship capabilities.

In fact, one of the major roles of a mother is to train the children to respect their father; and a major role of a responsible father is for him to train the children to love their mother (his dear wife).

Respect is an indispensable ingredient in all good relationships and friendships. It is impossible to become united and work cooperatively to achieve anything fruitful in a friendship, courtship, or marriage, or in any kind of mutual transaction without mutual respect for one another.

There cannot also be real love without genuine respect for the one you love.

Have you ever seen anyone sincerely demonstrating true love to someone without honoring and respecting the person? Respect actually invokes and promotes kindness and gentleness, and draws love plus cooperation from the inner recesses of any person on to the table for all productive associations.

To be able to love, cooperate with, support, influence, enjoy, and work together in unity with you mate or friend, you must respect your mate’s:

1) Opinions and inputs.

2) Preferences.

3) Race and culture.

4) Family and ancestry (pedigree).

5) Spiritual state (even when you are seeking to help him or her to know the truth and know God better).

6) Financial state.

7) Social position.

8) Academic position.

9) Skills, gifts, and talents.

10) The person’s overall lifestyle, temperament, and personality.

Disrespect and dishonor

Since love, honor, and respect goes hand in hand, any word, deed, act, or attitude that is un-loving will always be disrespectful in nature as well.

It means you are not respecting the person, and you are not valuing the relationship or making it a priority. I have tried to enumerate a few common indicators of disrespect and suggest that you add your own. From my personal point of view, you could show disrespect to a person, or dishonor someone when you:

1) Speak roughly and carelessly to the one.

I believe that the kind and manner of speech to a person portrays disrespect more than anything else. Most complaints of people about disrespect towards them usually go with “the way he or she spoke to me.”

2) Use unkind, spiteful, dishonoring, or insulting words to speak to someone.

3) Demonstrate attitude or body language that shows disregard for the person; indicate a “get away from me” or “get off my back” attitude; or make insulting and degrading gestures.

4) Totally ignore someone.

5) Make unwelcome or angry facial expressions to the one.

6) Mock the one or make sarcastic and sneering or discouraging remarks.

7) Serve the person in a careless or dishonoring way (e.g. serving food or drink with unacceptable or inappropriate cup or plate, and leaving out essential items etc.).

8) Deny the person what should be given to the one.

9) Come in late to appointments or plans to meet the one; leave too early or unceremoniously; or boycott the meeting or the person altogether, sometimes without any explanation or genuine excuse.

10) Use or misuse an item or something important to the person without the required care or carefulness.

11) Refuse to listen or obey important explanation, advice, or instructions of someone.

12) Intentionally break promises you made to someone (e.g. neglecting or refusing to pay money you borrowed, or not returning an item lent to you).

13) Deliberately lie to someone.

14) Intentionally change arrangement that all of you have firmly agreed on, especially after adequate discussions.

15) Openly accuse, scold, blame, insult, sneer at, mock, ignore, make bad gestures, or shout on the person in public or before one or two family members or friends.

16) Dress shabbily or inappropriately (sometimes with bad body odor in addition) to welcome or accompany someone.

17) Refuse to give the person his or her rights (e.g. payment, joint financial or property ownership, physical and emotional company, conversation, mutual love and romance or sexual fulfillment in a marriage, necessary assistance etc.).

18) Do not make your partner’s welfare and needs your priority, but relate to or live with the one selfishly, and take advantage of the person.

19) Engage yourself in conversations and activities or friendships that do not fit the caliber of your respectable position or your relationships (courtship, marriage etc.).

20) Do not observe common courtesy and hygiene (e.g. foul language and unenlightened public manners; eating with dirty hands; passing gas carelessly; having unclean teeth and smelling mouth; keeping unclean and messy room etc.).

Suggested solutions:

1) Learn the common indicators of honor and respect within each culture you find yourself in, or within which you operate.

2) Know the fundamental differences between men and women, and understand what both genders consider as honor or disrespect to a man or a woman.

3) Admit and deal with any spirit of disrespect in your character.

4) Learn to respect yourself (in your words, deeds, behavior etc.) --- this is the beginning of respecting others.

5) Decide to use all the knowledge you have acquired to show respect to different people under all circumstances, especially your fiancée, spouse, children, parents, elders and adults, boss, colleagues, business and ministry partners, and close friends.

6) Develop deep love, care, and gentleness for your mate in courtship or marriage ---- this will promote respect and honor from him or her as well.

7) Improve your communication, especially making time to listen and having regard for your mate’s suggestions, inputs, opinions, and advice --- this will help you to develop more honor and respect in the relationship.

8) Explore and engage in creative things that will carry impressions of special honor and respect for your mate.

9) Carefully watch your temper, words, acts, actions, attitude, body language, and things you ignore or do carelessly, which might show dishonor or disrespect to your mate, family members, relatives, and friends, although you do not plan to disrespect anyone.

The more you give excuses and repeatedly attempt to apologize (or do damage control) for your lack of courtesy and disrespect towards people or your mate, the more you will irritate your partner and the people you relate to, and will ultimately lose any respect they originally had for you.

10) Let the fear of God, wisdom, sensitivity to people’s feelings and their needs, and humility of mind and heart, be your primary guide in showing respect and honor in your courtship or marriage, family life, and all other relationships.

Dr. Samuel Kisseadoo, Biology Professor, Ordained Licensed Minister, International Evangelist, Author, Conference Speaker, Bible Teacher, Marriage and Family Counselor, Founder and President of Fruitful Ministries International Inc., Virginia, USA. E-mail: [email protected].