In Search Of His Pride–Is He Too Proud To Beg?

There is a question that has been haunting me for some time now, and I feel Ghanaweb.com is the perfect Medium to utilize in order to reach a broad spectrum of audience for some answers. And the question is this: Have some Ghanaian men in the Diaspora lost their sense of pride and dignity? As I have stated before in this forum, I left Ghana as a prepubescent, and as such, my direct interaction with the opposite sex on an intimate level was very limited – zero to none. However, I remember how my young uncles and my older male cousins earned the affection and respect of the women they wanted to be with; and how they, the women, accorded the men with utmost respect.

When my uncles and cousins courted the love and respect of their women, they did not do it by showering the ladies with expensive material things; but by presenting themselves as gentlemen – in every sense of the word. They were men who did not believe in asking their women for anything. In conversations amongst themselves, they often emphasized the importance of hard work and self reliance; and how women will always desire and respect a man with such qualities. To me, these young men exuded a sense of pride (not arrogance) and dignity! Watching my uncles and cousins interact with their women in such respectful and dignified manner planted a notion in my young impressionable mind that, that is how EVERY Ghanaian Man behaves. And that ideal was firmly secured in my mind when I departed the shores of Mother Ghana.

Years later, when I became of age to start dating in the United States, there weren’t that many Ghanaian boys within my age group in the area where we lived. The few who were there did not suit my fancy; not that there was anything wrong with them, far from that, but I found them to be a bit timid and too shy (they have since changed, though). So back then, my sights were set on the Black American boys in the area. I was advised – actually, WARNED! – by my father, aunts and almost every member of the small Ghanaian community that I should not even entertain the notion of dating an “Akata.”

According to my father and some of the Ghanaians in the neighborhood, the “Akata” boys are lazy, they do not like to work, and they will expect me to support them financially. These statements were made with such conviction, I came to believe them. However, I was not deterred by them! Although their description rings true of some African American boys/men, the Black American boy I ended up dating, my high school sweetheart, was nothing like that. He had an after-school part-time job, just as I, and many other teenagers, did. He was respectful and he made me laugh; in fact, he was a perfect little gentleman, his manners somewhat reminiscent of my uncles and cousins back home.

Getting back to the question at hand, as time passed, I became acquainted with females from other African countries. As the bonds of our friendships deepened, we began to share our life stories. Some of these friends of mine started making statements about Ghanaian men that I felt, at the time, were untrue. The girls claimed that compared to other guys, Ghanaian men were tight with money, and that, they, the Ghanaian men, were asking the girls for money. Naturally, I came to the defense of my Ghanaian brethren, and insisted that, “No, there is no way a Ghanaian guy would ask his woman for money, he has too much pride to do that.” An argument would ensue, and these ladies would accuse me of being either biased or in denial.…

When the ladies made the accusations, I went on the defensive because it is commonly known that the average Ghanaian young man living abroad has a strong work ethic, and is more than capable of making his own money. So, to me, he has no reason to ask his woman or anyone else for money. Besides, he has his pride and dignity to think about! However, in the last few years, I have been hearing the same stories, even complaints, from my Ghanaian sisters – in the US and the UK – about their Ghanaian men constantly asking them for financial support. But this time, I cannot defend my brothers! In conversations with a male friend of mine who resides in London, he confirmed that the problem is prevalent over there, and that he empathized with the ladies. He even said that there is a London-based Ghanaian radio talk show that opens its phone lines for Ghanaian women to call in and share their experiences. (Can ladies in London confirm the presence of this radio show?)

At first, I found the stories my London-based friend was telling me about his fellow Ghanaian men a bit hard to believe, until yours truly FINALLY encountered such a man. A few years ago, I met a Ghanaian young man who was a college graduate, he had a job with a prominent company in the DC Metropolitan area, and he drove a luxury vehicle. Certainly, such a man is on top of his game, right? On our first date, I was impressed with his conversation and how he handled himself; he came across as a dignified young man who had a sense of pride and self-respect. Our second date was nice as well. On our third date, I decided to invite him to my place and cook for him, as opposed to going out; this was the first time he had been to my place.

A few days later, he called me and asked to BORROW SOME MONEY FROM ME! Huh? He wants me to provide him with financial assistance? But is this not what I was told an “Akata” guy would ask me to do? And that a Ghanaian man will NEVER do such a thing? Besides, had I not just met this guy? Had we not only been on three dates? Where was his dignity? To say that I was shocked, appalled and dumbfounded would be an understatement. In my view, any man who will ask a girl he just started dating for money is a man who lacks a sense of pride. Secondly, he had a job of his own, so what was he doing with his earnings?

My attitude towards the guy changed with immediate effect; the respect, along with the little affection I had developed for him, evaporated – and he noticed. He segwayed into some banal story about how he never asks anyone for money but it’s just that his wallet and ATM Card were somewhere else! Clearly, he was lying! It suddenly dawned on me why his phone was frequently disconnected in the short period that I had known him. It became clear to me that he spends his money on flashy, material things to give the illusion of a “man on top,” all the while borrowing money from others to get by. To be perfectly honest, there were earlier signs of his “begging behavior,” but I didn’t make much of it at first. He was a Ghanaian man with a job, but now he had really revealed who he was, and there was nothing he could say or do to change my views of him, or regain the respect I had for him; and surely, a woman cannot be with a man she does not respect!

As stated throughout this article, I view the average Ghanaian young man as I viewed my uncles and cousins; to me, he has too much pride and dignity to ask his woman for money. But in the Diaspora, it is becoming increasingly apparent that I might be under a misapprehension. I know a girl in the Midwest who was with her Ghanaian man for almost three years, and I am not exaggerating when I say that, a month did not go by without the guy asking/begging her for money. I know of several young ladies in New York who are currently experiencing the same “begging” problem with their Ghanaian men.

Not too long ago, I met a young Ghanaian woman at a salon; over time, we started to communicate whenever we happened to be at the spa at the same time. She confided in me that she was at a point in her life where she wanted to have children. But every Ghanaian man she meets always asks her for money, and she doesn’t understand it. She often wondered whether she was the only one that this was happening to, but in conversations with other females, she has come to realize otherwise – the problem is epidemic! It has become the norm for Ghanaian men in the Diaspora to repeatedly ask/beg their women for money. How and when did the Ghanaian guy Abroad become the “lazy Akata” who begs women for money?

I am a big believer in the concept that a woman should never rely on a man to take care of her; she should make her own money, but if the man offers it to her, then, that is fine. In other words, I am not a fan of females who have the habit of asking men for money; but I find it ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE for a man to ask a woman for money! If a man has been with his woman for “eons“ and she knows that he always takes care of his financial responsibilities, then, personally, I see nothing wrong in needing his woman’s help once in a while. But a man who has practically made a career out of relying on women for financial support, (as is the case here), in my view, is a man who lacks self-respect, a sense of pride and dignity!

Which brings me back to my initial question: Has the average Ghanaian man residing abroad lost his sense of pride, or he never had it to begin with? I am inclined to believe the former. Was I wrong in using my uncles and cousins as the yardstick to measure Ghanaian men? Was I wrong to assume that the average Ghanaian man had a sense of dignity and, as such, certain things are/were beneath him, i.e., relying on women for sustenance? Ladies, have you or anyone you know encountered any of the “freeloading leeches?” If so, how did you or she handle the situation? Now, I know that not EVERY Ghanaian young man living abroad is stooping to these low levels (I can attest to that). But those of you who are indulging in this behavior, we would like to know why you do it? We’d also like to hear the views of self-respecting Ghanaian men who have their pride and integrity intact; and as such, will never reduce their significance by constantly begging their women for money – you know, those of you who are “too proud to beg!”

Lola, Washington, DC