Mopping Up The Mess In Child Discipline

By Joe Kingsley Eyiah, OCT, Brookview Middle School, Toronto-Canada

“Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it”-Proverbs 22:6

The issue of child discipline is phenomenal. Wherever it is brought up teachers and parents come into focus as the principal executors of child discipline. It also brings along in its ‘semantic train’ the terms such as parenting, child-rearing, upbringing, classroom management, preventive discipline and training among others. My focus in this discourse is on parenting as a parent, though as a teacher by profession, I will occasionally draw on my experience in preventive discipline from the classroom. I must caution my readers from the very beginning that there are two extreme schools of thought on child discipline. One advocates for strict controls with high expectations and rules which when broken results in severe punishment on the offending child. The other sees the child as a ‘love object’ who must be allowed the full potential of growth in rule-free environment. The undue adherence to only one of this two in parenting creates a problem-a mess in child discipline! It is rather unfortunate that many Ghanaians who are settling in the Western world have become the worse victims of such mess due to the dilemma of two cultures they face.

Degree to Become a Parent?
As parent, what will be your answer to the question: Where did you get your degree to be a parent? To many this question may sound unreasonable or even crazy! However, wait a minute and carefully ponder over the question and you will agree with Lucio Padilla, an experienced speaker on preventive discipline in the California school district, that, “The most important task of a human being is raising our children, and yet we do not prepare ourselves for it. We get degrees as lawyers, doctors, accountants, managers but rarely to become parents.”

Parenting Styles:
It must be noted that each family has their own strategy or way of raising their children. That is called a parenting style where they psychologically construct and plan. Each style has its own positives and negatives.
Let us briefly examine the authoritative parenting style. This is usually characterized as having high expectations of obedience to rules, order, and directions. Directions can be a discussion between a child and a parent about the certain types of rules and behaviors allowed, giving it a more child centered approach. These types of guidelines and rules are usually clear and fair along with flexible to the situation and the age of the child. They tend to be clear and consistent with their rules, and respecting the relationship they have with their child as a two-way relationship. Authoritative parents try to encourage their children to be independent and to do things by themselves for themselves in an obedient way. Thus, the parents’ way! You hear such parents usually say, “it is either my way or no way at all”.
Another style is the permissive parenting. This style of parenting has been described as ‘a misnomer, since it is not really about parenting at all’. It is really about self-esteem: the child's self-esteem is supposedly boosted by allowing him/her freedom, and the parent's self-esteem is boosted by the fact that the child likes him or her. Permissive parenting, although usually done in love, is not good for the parents or the children. God gives us children to nurture, love, and raise, and setting boundaries and making rules is part of raising children who will be happy, healthy and well adjusted adults. You hear parents of this style usually say, “allow the child, s/he will know and do better when s/he grows up”. In essence, there is nothing wrong with being permissive sometimes. You want your child to enjoy his/her childhood, and you also want him/her to know you trust that he/she will make good decisions. However, s/he must earn your trust before you exude lenience. I must point out here that being a permissive parent is just as bad as being a parent who is too strict. All may seem fine when your child is small, but they will suffer the repercussions when they grow older.

Mopping Up the Mess:
It has been argued that, “there are a few advantages to permissive-style parenting over authoritative-style parenting, but overall, the best style is a balance between those two extremes.”
Balanced-style parenting combines the best of permissive and authoritative all into one moderate and level-headed parenting strategy. Children need boundaries, but it is equally important that they know how to think for themselves and weigh the pros and cons of situations independently. Parents are not supposed to be their child’s best friend, but they also are not supposed to be their child’s worst nightmare, and that is why finding the right balance between permissive and authoritative parenting styles is essential to raising a well-balanced and responsible child.
Research has shown that behavior problems are most noticeable in children during the middle school grades when students are going through a difficult developmental stage, “early adolescence”. This is a time of significant biological changes along with social transition characterized by daring behaviors. During this stage, many dangerous behavior patterns can develop in many adolescents. For many students, middle grades represent the last chance to develop a sense of academic purpose and personal commitment to educational goals. Those who fail at the middle grades often drop out of school and may lose the opportunity to develop to their fullest potential.

Build Relationships of Respect, Trust and Effective Communication:
As a teacher of 37 years both in Ghana and Canada and as a parent for 35 years, I humbly suggest to all teachers and parents to build relationships of respect and trust with our students/children through effective communication both at school and at home. James Comer (1995) puts it well: "No significant learning occurs without a significant relationship." Building a respectful relationship doesn't mean becoming the student's buddy. It means that teachers and parents both insist on high-quality work/acceptable behaviors and offer support.
Our Ghanaian culture values respect for responsible old age not ‘empty old age’. Ghanaian children everywhere must be taught to respect old age, property and established meaningful order. Parents and teachers must do this by setting good examples. We must develop trust by being responsible and faithful in all our dealings with each other both old and young. We must not only insist on our rights whilst we neglect our responsibilities. That’s the bane of the permissive western society and we as Ghanaians ought to be mindful of this.
I recognize lack of effective communication in most Ghanaian homes as a major problem in parenting. There should available channels for redress of grievances and concerns at home. Rules must be clear and reasonable to all and disobedience duly punished. Consistency and fairness must be the bedrock of parenting everywhere. The Holy Book says, “train a child…” Training does not call for only rules. It also offers opportunities!