RE: Does She Need a Man ..?

By MOM

Two entertaining, thought provoking and heart felt articles on gender-related matters were featured on Ghanaweb last weekend which drew significant responses from readers. I read “Does She Need A Man To Be Complete?” by Lola, Washington, DC and “From: African Women in the Diaspora To: African Men in the Diaspora” by N. Amma Twum-Baah together with many of the responses posted, with much interest. I was unable to contribute to the conversation in a meaningful and timely manner at the time, for reasons that do not matter here. Both authors raised important issues about relationships and our society and many respondents expanded the conversation in ways that are commendable, because they enhance our awareness of who we are and where we are headed for.

I will attempt to add to the conversation, if belatedly, by first responding to specifics in Lola’s provocative and entertaining piece, while occasionally referring to pertinent responses from others and then take liberties towards the more general, in responding to Amma’s. Now, that is a tall order, so I choose to quote and respond to four specifics from Lola’s, in the hope of furthering our understanding of the state of our society today and some ways forward.

1. "Obaa a onni kunu, enni animonyam!"

Some respondents to Lola’s article made the wholly supportable case that in some cultures of Ghana at least, the concept or censure which Lola’s father articulated in the statement "Obaa a onni kunu, enni animonyam!" is not gender specific. Both women and men are measured on that scale. A man in like condition is said to “not have responsibility”, or is “not a responsible man” and is passed over when a choice must be made for an office which requires sound judgment and decorum and which confers soft rewards like esteem and reverence. I do not know whether this holds true for all cultures in Ghana. (I refer to culture in the plural, rather than singular deliberately, because I hold the view that we are faced with a mosaic of cultures in Ghana, not a single, monolithic Ghanaian culture. They are affecting each other and being blended together, but that is very much in the early stages of work in progress. Some may regard the distinction I make as excessively fastidious; experts may dismiss it altogether. I respect their opinions, but prefer the mosaic model, because it helps me understand the behaviour of our people).

Other respondents to Lola sort to explain the Animonyam concept by asserting that our elders were and continue to be concerned that unmarried women are prone to indulge in immoral sexual behaviour. I am uncomfortable with that explanation. The dominant reason for preferring matrilineal inheritance in those Ghanaian cultures where it has been practiced for generations, is how easily verifiable matrilineal parentage is, compared with patrilineal parentage. That suggests that elders of those cultures were concerned about the frequency of adultery in their communities; or more bluntly, about married women having more than one sexual partner. Again, disputes over patrilineal parentage in those Ghanaian cultures where patrilineal inheritance has been practiced is not uncommon. Therefore the suggestion that the Animonyam concept expressed by Lola’s father refers to the prospect of immoral sexual behaviour by unmarried women is an easy, but unsupportable explanation.

Unfortunately, we do not have validating records of the thoughts of our ancestors from the times when this concept took root in our cultures. In the absence of validating records, we must rely on oral traditions, or construe reasonable explanations for this concept. I suspect, but cannot affirm with certainty that this concept is intended to partially measure one’s social skills, by marital status and the state of one’s family life. Permit me to refer to that as society’s measure of one’s relationships index, for simplicity. Our measure of a person’s relationships index is not binary. Its not simply a matter of having, or not having a relationships index. A person who is formally married has a higher relationships index than another who is living-in with a partner, for example. Again, one who is happily married is accorded a higher index than others who are not as fortunate (although there, I must acknowledge a certain ambivalence towards the happily married; witness the sarcastic, or sneering remarks that are often directed at them, such as “pen and paper”). There appears to be a graduated scale of Animonyam, rather than two only (as in: she has it and she doesn’t have it). Therefore, specific expressions by themselves; such as the binary statement Lola quotes, may be misleading when interpreted literally.

Let me get personal for clarity only. When I got married I noticed a sudden change in attitudes towards me from members of my community. My partner and I seemed to have been elevated to a new level of esteem and that, without any change in our economic standing, vocations, or educational qualifications. I attribute that change to an increase in our relationships index. Thankfully, our index has increased with the passage of time, as we continue to enjoy a fruitful, happy, but by no means perfect family life.

The premium some Ghanaian cultures place on family life in measuring relationships index is wholly understandable, to my way of thinking. The marital contract and family life is as intrusive as personal relationships can get and when two accept to be accountable to each other to that degree and adhere to their promise, they commend themselves to society as trustworthy and loyal companions. Now, I respect the choice, or condition of those who are single. I do not believe, or suggest that they are less trustworthy, or less loyal companions than the married by virtue of their marital status. The point I make here is that the married appear to offer society more conspicuous and verifiable evidence of trustworthiness and loyalty in companionship, than the unmarried do.

2. “Maame Saa has become so sensitive about the issue of marriage to the point where she attributes any slight towards her (real or imagined) to the fact that she is 38 years old and single!”

I am always saddened when I hear about, or reflect on the affairs of the likes of Lola’s cousin, because I consider that responsibility for their avoidable distress is shared between themselves and our society (diaspora, or no). Our reaction to Maame Saa’s low relationships index is very negative. The negative reaction is especially strong among womenfolk and that is reprehensible, to my mind’s eye. However neither Maame Saa nor I can do much to change her society’s response within her lifetime. Secondly, I don’t have much appetite for exchanges over gender matters at the moment, so I will pass up the opportunity to discuss gender differences on this issue and stick with Maame Saa.

Women in Maame Saa’s station get conditioned by two sources of influence primarily. One is the perceived, or real slights and insults from their communities and the other, is the frustration that derives from a feeling of helplessness in having to wait for prince charming, rather than go out on a quest for him. That is the reality we live in; it’s a very harsh one, but our response to it is very much in our control. We can choose to be bitter about it and take offense at every slight, or lash out at every offender. But then, who will want to keep company with, or become a life partner to a bitter, vengeful person? Our relationship index can only deteriorate, if we cultivate that attitude. On the other hand, wouldn’t you like to have a coffee any day with that girl in Customer Care in your work place; the one who seems so full of life and good humour and can be relied on to cheer you up when you most need it? The one who will sometimes simply listen to hear you, without offering a pat solution as soon as you mention a concern? She seems to be in just the right job! Let’s take care to cultivate and maintain right attitudes to all persons around us, Maame Saa. That is a dependable way of enhancing our relationships index and who knows where and to whom it will commend us? Plus; take it from the experts by faith, it improves our own health and wellbeing.

3. “But why was I quick to remind people of my years with Prempeh? Why didn’t I simply say: "I am alone, so what?" Why did I feel the need to explain my situation?”

When we choose to remain Ghanaian culturally and single, we must necessarily accept also, that we will be swimming against the current of public opinion and a very strong one indeed. The tide of slights and vicious rumours will threaten our peace all the time. That’s just a statement of fact about our cultures; I’m neither defending, nor excusing it. In that case, its not exactly surprising that Lola found herself being defensive about her being single. She had been conditioned by the persistent waves of abuse; even if they were not expressed in her face. (Malcolm Gladwell’s “blink” makes interesting reading on how we get conditioned by our environment). It takes a lot of educated, deliberate effort to stay afloat (stay self-assured) in that scenario, if I may continue the metaphor.

4. “Due to the aforementioned pressure, some ladies have had to settle for less than what they desired, and, as a result, ended up with men for whom they had very little respect.”

I do doubt that a contemptuous spouse can have a MUTUALLY fulfilling marital relationship. Is it at all possible for partners to carry on an uplifting, or in the words of Lola “intellectually stimulating” conversation with each other without mutual respect? If one party feels contemptuous towards the other, its bound to show in their exchanges; especially when they are in the company of others. (You know, the rolling of the eyes, etc). And then again, if one spouse speaks disparagingly of the other to friends, can those friends maintain a healthy respect for both union and members of the troubled pair? Talking abusively to others about one’s spouse is self defeating, because it depreciates the offender’s relationships index. When we find ourselves getting contemptuous towards our spouses, we ought to make and pursue one of three choices deliberately.

We can lay less emphasis on those things which provoke contempt in us. For example, if we find that our spouse’s indifference to house-proud provokes contemptuous feelings in us, we have the power to reduce the premium we place on house-proud and create some private space where we can indulge in that passion without interference. (No, I’m not going to get into the toilet seat thing)! That is the commendable and heroic way. On the other hand, we are free to choose to walk away from the relationship altogether, if the causes of our contempt are that grievous. Keeping both the relationship and the psychological cancer called spousal contempt is simply self-destructive. Finally, we can choose to seek professional help on those specifics that trouble our relationship. Now, I can almost hear the chorus on how impractical such help is in the diaspora; marriage counselors from other cultures cannot possibly understand our concept of marriage, many will say. In quieter moments though, I am sure we will all agree that all humans have the common aspirations to be treated fairly, with respect and affection, etc. And when I am ill, I don’t seek out the nearest family member to attend to me; I seek out the most competent person I can trust with my body, irrespective of ethnicity.

In Closing And now permit me to indulge a bit in the more general. Where I live, there are many accomplished persons who chose to pursue career over relationships. Some remained single, while others did marry and have children. The common thread among them is their inability, or unwillingness to make those sacrifices for family, or friends which bond people together in warm, intimate, supportive, life-long relationships. As a result, when they come to the end of their careers and are bade farewell by their employers and immediately forgotten, they suddenly become aware that they have no human capital to cushion them against the lonely months and years of reflection that follow. Its depressing to hear their stories of regret.

(…TO BE CONTINUED)