Should A Woman Dumb Herself Down In Order To Keep A Man?

According to science, men possess a bigger brain mass than women. Some have made the egregious assumption that men are, therefore, inherently smarter than women. But even individuals with an intelligence quotient under 70 can tell you that this assumption is false. Brain size is proportional to body size; men naturally have larger physiques, hence the larger brain mass. Now, some might appear on this thread and insist that men are innately smarter, because most key intellectuals throughout history have been men. But, before you state your claims, please let me remind you that, historically, women were DENIED access to the intellectual resources that those men were accorded – this was societal and situational.

But enough with “science and history,” as far as this discussion is concerned. So, let’s move on to the question of the day: Should a woman dumb herself down in order to keep a man? It is true that most women prefer men who are brilliant; women will do anything to get or keep such a man. By brilliant men, I do not mean men with just book-based knowledge, because as we all know, any individual can learn to memorize and regurgitate, ideas commonly referred to as "chew and pour" by Ghanaians. But it takes a genuinely intelligent man to engage a woman – or anyone else – intellectually! By intelligent men, I am referring to men who are keenly analytical, logical, perceptive, possess common sense in abundance, and often “think outside of the box.”

It is also true that most men find it emasculating to be in relationships with women who the former deem to be smarter. And, in a relationship, if a man is (intentionally or otherwise) made to feel inferior or inadequate due to his lack of intelligence, chances are he will feel insecure and, thus, end the relationship (though he will never admit to the real reason for ending said relationship). So, back to my initial question: Should a woman dumb herself down in order to keep a man? Additionally, should she hide her high level of intelligence for the sake of her man, who may be intellectually challenged?

Take, for instance, the situation of a young woman named Ava. Until moving to the United States about three years ago, Ava lived in the United Kingdom. In England, she had a boyfriend named Kudjo. While she was with Kudjo, every now and then, she found herself correcting his sentences and pronunciations. And Kudjo’s reasoning skills often left Ava dumbfounded. Although Kudjo was a college-educated young man, Ava felt that his mental acumen was not up to par, but she did not love him any less. In her view, as long as she was able to guide/correct him, their relationship would be fine – so she thought. It never dawned on Ava that Kudjo felt emasculated by her incessant corrections of his mistakes.

One day, Kudjo and Ava were watching a program about pedophiles on Television at Ava’s flat. When the program cut to a commercial, Kudjo exclaimed: “Babes, I cannot believe what we are seeing on the Tele, old men sleeping with little children! I cannot phantom [sic] why a grown man would sleep with a child!” Ava then responded: “K, I think you mean “fathom”, you cannot “fathom” why a grown” Kudjo interrupted her in mid-sentence and went on a tirade about Ava’s insatiable need to constantly correct him, as if he were a child, or as if he were an imbecile. He ended his tirade with the words: “I am tired of your incessant corrections, Madam know-it-all; let your fancy words keep you warm tonight!” With that said, he left Ava’s place, and that was the end of it for him.

Ava then realized that Kudjo had misconstrued her good intentions as something more sinister. Naturally, she called him later that night to offer some sort of an explanation and an apology – but Kudjo was not appeased by either. Simply put, he wanted nothing more to do with her. As far as Kudjo was concerned, Ava was intentionally belittling him by constantly correcting him. Kudjo was too peeved about being made to feel like an imbecile; as such, all subsequent attempts to make him see otherwise were futile. Sadly, he did not even want to remain as “just friends,” so Ava gave up.

After some time had passed, Ava became involved with a man named Lartey. “He is simply brilliant, in every sense of the word!” Ava would often exclaim. She never had to correct Lartey, and he even taught her a few new things. Ava spoke of how refreshing it was to be in the company of a man with whom she could have intellectual discussions about a myriad of topics. The fact that Lartey challenged her intellectually was something she held sacred, as she did not have such luxury in her previous relationship with Kudjo. Unfortunately, Ava’s new-found happiness would be short-lived. Almost a year into the relationship, Ava had to relocate to the other side of the “pond.” Ava and Lartey tried every possible means to make their relationship work, but the distance made it impossible, so they had to end it.

Six months ago, Ava started dating a man named Bonsu. She has recently noticed that Bonsu exhibits the same traits as her former beau, Kudjo. For the past few weeks, Ava has debated with herself whether to end the relationship with Bonsu. Ava asserts that Bonsu is kind, polite and romantic. And though he is not a stupid man, he is not the sharpest knife in the toolbox either. Ava is not able to have the same level of mind stimulating conversations with Bonsu as she did with Lartey. She finds herself wanting to correct him, as she did Kudjo, but she holds her tongue for fear of offending him. Obviously, she does not want to have the same episode with Bonsu as she had with Kudjo.

As a little girl in Ghana, Ava’s parents and teachers often commended her for being a bright girl. Academically, she excelled! And she displayed a level of practical judgment that surpassed that of each of her peers. However, Ava never felt a need to act as if she were superior to others – she was ever careful not to seem arrogant. But now, she is not certain how to handle situations where she finds herself to be smarter than the man she is romantically involved with. If she corrects the man, he gets offended; if she doesn’t, she feels she is reinforcing the stereotype of the “empty-headed girlfriend.” It is a “no-win” situation for Ava, unfortunately.

So, ladies, should Ava dumb herself down to keep her man, Bonsu, or should she find another man whom she would not have to “school” constantly? Are you currently, or have you ever been, in Ava’s situation? If so, how are you handling it; or if the relationship did not last, how did you handle it? Of course, we are also interested in hearing/reading the views of our brilliant Black Kings on Ava’s plight. Should she stay with Bonsu, “school” him, and hope that he does not get offended? Or should Ava leave Bonsu and find one of you brilliant Black Kings?

Lola, Washington, DC