Three stimulants of marriage

I have witnessed a number of solemnizations of Islamic marriages within our community. Whenever it’s officiated by the Municipal chief Imam of La, Sheikh Abdur-Rashid Anyetei Odoi, these beautiful traditions of Prophet Muhammad (s) shared below are always given a deep expository.

Prophet Muhammad (s) said to Aisha (ra) that he can tell when she’s mad or happy with him. Because days that she’s happy with him, she concludes her supplication by saying: ‘in the name of the Lord of Muhammad’. But days that she’s mad at him, her supplication is ended with, "in the name of the Lord of Ibrahim."

Take a look at the above hadith, you’d realize that both ways that Aisha (ra) chose to conclude her invocations to God are absolutely right. And because Prophet Muhammad (s) was observing, he could tell the mood of his wife (Aisha) just after listening to her prayers.

This will push us to the emerging qualities which married men and women must be looking out from each other. As a wife or husband, you would need not be only interested in knowing when and how your spouse snores, or preferred meals, or a particular sexual style or drive. Her or his emotional needs are very vital. You must all endeavor to understudy each other. Don’t think that once you’re married some of these things are trivial. The little things you would fail to understudy will obviously escalate to unrest.

And learn that even Prophet Muhammad (s) had a wife (Aisha) who sometimes disagreed with him. Don’t see yourself (husband) as a repository of knowledge, that your wife, in this case, must always agree with you. She deserves to possess a nuanced opinion.

More so, it’s of humans that we get annoyed sometimes, so when she smears her madness at your face, learn to water it down in the best of ways.

During the regime of Umar Bun Khattab (ra), a companion of Prophet Muhammad (s) felt there was a fire under his roof. His wife was so nagging that she complains about everything. Upon some considerations, he decided to make the case known to Umar Bun Khattab (ra), perhaps he could sort for some arbitration from him, since Umar (ra) was the leader at the time.

So he left for Umar’s place. But while he had reached Umar’s (ra) home, after extending the greetings of peace to him, he received the shock of his life. Umar’s wife was trading loud words on him. Even the nagging of Umar’s wife was more blazing than that of his wife (the companion who had come to report his wife to Umar). Thereupon, he told Umar that he had better swallow whatever he had come to say to him, that, truly, without doubts, his wife’s nagging is far better than Umar’s wife. Even Umar, who, when satan sees him, passes somewhere else, look at how his wife is barking at him left and right.

Umar bun Khattab (ra) gave the companion a seat and, he began educating him that the woman he had seen is his wife. She washes, cleans, and cooks for him. She breastfeeds his children. But all these are things she does at her own will; Allah hasn’t made them compulsory upon her. It is for their love’s sake, thus she does them to help him. So anytime she goes nagging, he (Umar) keeps quiet and listens to her. And that’s how they live in peaceful harmony. It’s upon this the companion left to house and made peace with his wife.

In hindsight, if you’re preparing for marriage, especially the men, we need to know that “washing” and “cooking” are not mandatory upon our wives. They (wives) are not our house help. It’s our duty to clothe and feed them, to provide accommodation, to give them solace and comfort.

House cleaning and the rest are not a gender-based role. So don’t leave your wife to clean the entire house at dawn while you snore. Give a helping hand. If it’s washing, wash together. And cooking, be at the kitchen a clean the bowls. For our duty, as men, in marriage, is like the ocean. The women’s duty is as fetching a spoonful of water out from this ocean. Let us not turn the tables over in this regard.

As far as we would stand firm by the above, spousal abuse would never happen in our homes. You won’t beat your wife when she starts being shrewd. I believe we would be more mature than those who, when their wives are nagging that they should take a second bath then they start to throw a hand. Please, don’t be a goat!

On the issue about, the fourth successor of Prophet Muhammad (s), Ali and his wife.

Fatima (ra) and Ali (ro) were having a conversation, and Fatima said something which displeased Ali, her husband. When Fatima saw a change in Ali's (ro) facial countenance, she apologized to him. He accepted her apology but his countenance was still the same until the seventieth (70th) time.

Thereafter, she sought permission to go and see her father. When she went and narrated the incident to her father, the Prophet Muhammad (s) remarked "O Fatima! I swear by Allah who is in possession of my life that if Ali had not forgiven you and you had died in that state, I wouldn't have prayed over you because any woman who dies while her husband is displeased with her will not enter into Paradise.”

We have to learn how to say sorry in this marital life. No matter your pomposity, you’ve got to put that ego down, to make your home alive. Say sorry when needed. Sometimes you might be right, but saying sorry is what is required. Say it. And be sincere. This doesn’t mean you’re weak. Similarly, believing women, ensure that the rights of your husband over you are well met.

So, brethren, this is the good news I have for you all today. Those who are preparing for marriage, your lesson is here. Don’t be only focusing on the number of times you’d be changing yourself. Or the dancing your would-be-husband has asked that you learn for the program. The crazy first-night sex! The dishes and jamboree event. There is a chunk of work to do.

And those who are married, we need to do more learning. Because we might have forgotten too soon.