Usless Column: 'Today is January 0.00000014, 2022'

Last Monday someone came to my house to ask for help of GHC200 to add to his money so he can pay his KG child’s school fees. I told him I didn’t have money but I was expecting some money by Friday, which is today.

He now asked: “Okay; I have some 200 cedis there myself. Can I please go ahead and use it so that by Friday you give it back to me?’ You see this life? Some people come to ask for financial support not because they don’t have money o; but because they think you have money in excess and that you should add yours to theirs. It makes it difficult to know who is genuinely in need nowadays. It is good to be magnanimous but….hmmm! agbetor menyo o!

You definitely know that come January 2023, you would pay school fees. Why not start saving small small towards that now that we are in January 2022, Uncle? Planning makes life easy to manage o.

Trust me, as of November 2021, I had personally finished paying all outstanding school fees against January 2022 so the sleepless nights would be minimised. I’m not crying because I started saving since January 2021 and by November, I had enough to clear the January 78th, 2022 bills. If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer o, Bra Kojo.

Sammy eeeeei, happy new year oo! When is even the deadline for saying this mpo? I am beginning to get tired of saying: ‘Many happy returns’! You claim everything is new in the new year and still using your old toothbrush you started using in November 2019! God forgive you your sins for carrying old baggage into your new year. How do the accountants call it sef? Balance brought forward. Hahahahaha! Abeg, it doesn’t apply to toothbrushes, sponges and towels o, yooo.

Since Mr. Mensah became customer of the year 2021, he has not been a happy person at home. The brothel he has been visiting often in 2021 hang his picture at the hotel premises as CUSTOMER OF THE YEAR. Unfortunately for him, a hotel staff put it on a church WhatsApp platform on which his wife is on, congratulating Mr. Mensah. Up till now, he is still explaining.

Ei COVID-19, what’s up with the nose masks? People still no dey wear am o. To some people, now it seems it sounds more romantic and to say with swag: ‘Charlie, I get omicron o; everythin cool?’ than to say: ‘Charlie, I get COVID o’. It is becoming similar to the way some people pronounce the name of the male organ. You sound less vulgar if you say: ‘pinis’ than you sound when you say: ‘paynis’. Abeg, it is the same thing though some of our ladies think the way it is pronounced depends on the size and length! Hahahahahaha! Ajeeeeeeei!

COVID is all over the place looking for mask-less faces o, yoo! The fact that one has not tested positive does not mean…. The thing is still in the air and people are taking it for granted la.

If you happen to be sweating very profusely other than your usual self, abeg, suspect the thing and go and do the test before it is too late. This new one, we are told is so fast that by the time you finish taking off your nose mask for a group picture, it can enter your nose. COVID is real o; cover your nose and don’t laugh too much this Christmas especially if you have no face mask on.

Those of you who have been insulting me anytime you finish making phone calls to me, one day I will hear you especially when you forget to cut the call. Ablavi did it to me yesterday and I heard her. After a nice conversation on the phone, we both ended the call but she forgot to cut the line at her end.

Then I could hear her say, ‘last year, he gave me GHC200 as my Christmas gift again’; chisel rich man like you, only GHC200 every year’. She is not aware I had heard everything o. This year, even the two hundred Ghana, she won’t get for her ingratitude. She thinks she is the only one. If a guy gives you GHC200 as Christmas gift, you should be grateful and know that he is actually spending about GHC2,000 on ten of you! Me? Rich man? Ajeeeeeei! You don’t know oo. Hahahahahaha!

Ehern, I had wanted to ask this question since 2010. There was this lawn tennis player who was a super-star those days when I was young and I used to watch him play so well on GBC-TV. His name is Frank Ofori, I think. Please where is he now? Just asking for Federer o, yoo!

Oh Merry Merry Christmas…this Christmas come we shall have another one, oh merry….ooo merry Christmas.

When you are born into poverty er, you need to go through several stages of getting out of the muddy waters before.

Last Christmas reminded me of our days, those days. We used to move from house to house virtually begging people at Ghana Airways flats, University of Ghana Lower Hills bungalows and Achimota School bungalows to say ‘hello’ to rich people for rice and stew, biscuits and fanta we had never tasted before.

If you are lucky to get kanzo, you are much luckier to get the unwanted head of a chicken thrown away with it.

I recall in 1985 or so when ‘Mezop’ dancing or brake dancing was in vogue. We went for a party we were not invited to at GIMPA (Greenhill). That was the first time I tasted makadoni (spaghetti). There was a dancing competition which I won but was declared ineligible because my parents did not work there.

I was heartbroken because I was going to get rice and meat which I could go and share with my siblings back home; a matter of survival.

I managed to get a bottle of fanta and came home very happy, somehow. I was holding the cock (counters) of the drink for one week after the fanta was opened. I would smell it small and drink water on it and be fine.

The smell of rice on kropot fire abounded in my Kisseman community with aroma to tell you ‘christmas was here’.

In 1984 after the hunger, only a few homes had rice. For me and siblings, even maize to roast was a problem. We embarked on our usual rounds to solicit rice from the rich. That was when philanthropy seized to be a part of many rich Ghanaians.

They themselves didn’t have enough to eat and you are coming to knock on their doors for what. On one occasion, an Alsatian dog was released to chase us and our poverty away. Buoy! I hate to talk about this day. Hmmmm!

My friend’s father worked at 37 dining hall and so food was no problem. Before he gave you a miserable slice of ‘used bread’, you have to sing Christmas carols like 6 in a row without any mistake in the lyrics. Ei!

Poverty is a useless somebody especially if one allows it to be sustained in the family line.

We have already done 14 days in 2022. Have you saved anything yet? Please time no dey o. the earlier you start small small, the better. December will soon come and instead of enjoying your rice and stew, you would be thinking about January KG school fees. Be prudent in your spending; that’s all.

Happy New Year and my resolution is simple: ‘LET GOD LEAD ME IN EVERYTHING I DO’