What Say You: Why Can’t She Propose Marriage To A Man?

Since the dawn of time, it has always been a man’s “duty” to pursue a woman and subsequently make her his better half. As such, the notion of a female chasing or proposing marriage to the opposite sex was – and still is – practically deemed as a sign of the apocalypse.

But in this modern era – where women are increasingly taking roles previously reserved for men – is it an anomaly for a lady to propose marriage to the man she loves? As is generally accepted, marriage is based on MUTUAL love, respect, understanding, etc. As such, if a couple shares the aforesaid mutual affections, then, does it really matter who asks whom to join in holy matrimony?

Ages ago, Kakra wanted to return to Ghana, marry the secondary school boyfriend she left behind, and subsequently help him migrate to the United States. But her father sternly said to her: “Awuraba, kraman na k) p3 kas33, eny3 kas33 na k) p3 kraman,” to wit, “Young lady, a dog chases the bone, and not the other way around.” Thus, Kakra’s desire to marry the love of her life was put asunder by her father. Though I was only 14 years old at the time, I have never forgotten those words that were uttered by my uncle.

By the time this cousin of mine, Kakra, reached her late thirties, she had two divorces under her belt. Some have claimed that being twice divorced is a searing indictment on her “suban”. This misguided belief stems mainly from the fact that her older sister, Panin, has enjoyed marital bliss for the past 18 years. But I surmise that there is no correlation between Kakra’s failures as a wife and her mode of conduct – she is a pretty decent young lady. The bane of her happiness is her father taking away her choices years earlier.

You see, Kakra never stopped loving her secondary school sweetheart, hence she found it difficult to develop genuine love for her now-former husbands. Had Kakra’s father jettisoned old traditions and allowed his daughter to propose marriage to the one man she actually loved, might she not have escaped the ridicule she is being subjected to now as a divorcée?

My good friend, Efe, and I are only six years apart – but I treat her as though we were born decades apart, for the woman has wisdom beyond her years! Additionally, she is an extremely forward-thinking individual; in fact, I have never met a Ghanaian woman like Efe. She absolutely fascinates me! Half a decade ago, when Efe felt she was ready to enter into matrimony, she decided to take matters into her own hands and propose marriage to the gentleman she was then involved with.

If any of my other confidants had shown such courage by declaring to ask for a man’s hand in marriage, I would have been stunned! But, coming from Efe, I was not at all surprised. Nonetheless, I wanted Efe to consider a few serious questions before going forth with her plans. One day, while at Efe’s house, I queried: “Ms. Efe, do you think your man is ready to get married? Don't you want him to be absolutely ready, or feel strongly enough to want to ask the question? Proposing marriage is the preserve of a man; and as you know, some men do not take kindly to being usurped.”

Sooner than I had finished numerating my concerns, Efe abruptly stopped sifting through her laundry, furrowed her brows, and asked: “What is wrong with you? Did you just step out of 15th century, Ms. Ultra Feminist?” “Look, I am as feminist as any über feminist,” I said defensively, “but I just think certain traditions should not be tampered with.” Efe then retorted, “I don’t know what has come over you, but you stay in the 15th century, my dear, while I propose to my 21st-century man.”

Not knowing what else to say – lest I be further mocked as a woman with 15th-century mentality – I concluded: “You know him more than I do; I hope it all goes well.” True to her word, a few months later, news reached us that Efe had, indeed, proposed marriage to her man; and he, in turn, had accepted! Some of my friends and I converged at Efe’s place and bombarded her with numerous questions: “Did you get on one knee when you asked him? What was his initial reaction? Did he take a long time to answer or did he respond immediately? What’s your next plan of action?” And so on and so forth.

With laughter, Efe responded, “No, I did not get on my knee!” She then proceeded to regale us with how things happened. According to Efe, she sat down with her man and professed: “For the past 3 years, you have brought immeasurable joy into my life. You have a kind and a gentle soul that is quite endearing. Through your words and actions, your love for me cannot be denied, and words cannot describe my affection for you. For these reasons, I wish to spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to become man and wife.”

Per Efe, without hesitation, her man then responded: “I am glad you have broached the issue of marriage; your boldness is one of the things I admire about you. I do love you, and for some time now I have been planning to ask you to be my wife. I am actually in the process of acquiring an engagement ring for you so, yes, I will marry you. Just give me a few months to buy the ring so I can propose to you properly.” After Efe recounted the story, some of the girls gathered became overjoyed to the point of tears.

I, on the other hand, had conflicting emotions: I was proud of Efe for being a pioneer among us, yet I could not help but feel as though she had violated some sort of law. “Have you told your dad about the proposal?” I inquired. “No, I have not. You know how our fathers are – if mine were to learn that I proposed marriage to a man, he’d probably have a heart attack, or summon his ‘Nananom’ for an explanation,” Efe responded with laughter. “Once I get the ring, I will inform him that the man proposed to me,” Efe added.

Weeks later, Efe’s “21st-century” man would pull a most cowardly – and, might I add, primitive – stunt. He asked one of his buddies to notify Efe that he could no longer continue with their courtship. When asked for his reasons, he apparently felt that Efe’s “bold” move was not, in fact, courageous at all. In his view, it was a gesture born out of desperation! And he could not be with a woman who had an aura of desperation about her.

Efe – ever the graceful lady that she is – took it in stride; she neither cried nor lamented. She had but these friendly remarks: “A man, in the bedroom, encourages a woman to take charge, and he commends her when she does – it appeals to his basic ego when a woman is aggressive or shows initiative, sexually. But, when it comes to marriage, a man prefers for a woman to sit idly by until he feels he is good and ready. Most men do not believe a lady should display initiative in this aspect; and should she behave contrary to their beliefs, then, she is immediately branded as desperate – go figure!”

As stated earlier, I wish my uncle – who is from a very different era – had jettisoned an old tradition. I will be remiss if I fail to confess that this renders me a bit of a hypocrite, as I, an über feminist in this 21st century, have not been able to jettison said tradition, sadly. I strongly believe it is due to my uncle’s words from eons ago, that “kraman na w) k) p3 kas33” (yet one more reason why I believe in the power of words). My hope is to ultimately rid myself of the notion that it is a man’s “job” to propose marriage.

When and if I shed the aforesaid concept, I doubt that the majority of society will side with me. And the question is “why?” As a woman, would you propose marriage to the man you love? If your answer is “no,” what is your reason? Or, are you a lady who once proposed to the object of your affection; if so, what was the outcome? Of course, we’d also like to hear from our educated Black Kings: HONESTLY, what will be your reaction if the woman you profess to love were to propose marriage to you? What say you?

Lola, Washington, DC